My corporate career has ground to a self-inflicted halt. I yanked on the brakes whilst in full perpetual motion. I came to a silent stop. No more noise, no more games, no more.
I knew it would come to an end. I knew I would reach a point where I had to get off this train that clatters and squeals against my conscience on sleepless nights, its motion tangling my stomach in to knots of anxiety and stress. I knew I was not happy, but it never stops to allow anyone to disembark. A constant express train pulling towards an undefined goal, it required a sudden jump from its decaying carriages, so one day I did.
Now I am job-less, yet I’ve never been so busy. Writing and photography have been passions of mine as long as I can remember, but like old dusty trophies displayed high upon a shelf representing achievements past and perhaps a different life that could-have-been, I kept them at a distance only dabbling in creativity on lazy Sundays or nights of inspired insomnia.
At stages of life I’ve tried. I’ve allowed my right brain to dominate momentarily. I’ve coached it to bully my left-brain dialogue in to submission and I’ve made steps to ‘do more’ with my creative work. Yet the logical left always persists and clamours for attention with warning thoughts of instability, financial insecurity and self deprecating doubt. I’ve then been dragged kicking and screaming back to the corporate world with its financial stability and risk-free nature.
Yet now I stand at one of those moments in life. A moment you don’t get often. It’s a rare moment where the universe throws you a chance. I stand now at an outpost of nothingness. A station with two tracks that lead in opposite directions. I’ve sat here for the last week as the trains come and go, but I have not boarded either. I stay on my well-worn bench of indecisiveness. One track leads over the crisp horizon of the unknown and will launch me hurtling at speed towards my dream. The other leads me back to the corporate world and the industry where I’ve spent the last 15 years and gently whispers promises of financial security.
The universe doesn’t give such chances often and soon this outpost will disappear into the dense grey fog of daily life. I can’t stay here.
Which train do I board?…